Next to you

 I have something to say...

The subject of the end of the world has come up in my past, in the innermost recesses of my mind. When I doubted myself, when I was at my deepest point of self-questioning and self-doubt, I thought about how I would be able to identify the side of the "good guys". How is one able to determine where to go, when factions are fractioned, when everyone is teaming up and making groups to discuss the big questions for a few minutes and report back to teacher? Where do you go?

This is indicative of a much bigger conundrum at a crossroads in my life. Looking back, all I had were ruins, forks in roads and burnt bridges. At that point nothing was sacred, nothing was certain. Everyone and anyone could and would leave at the slightest turn of the winds. 

At the start of my road to question everything, I began by questioning myself. It was the worst kind of self-inflicted torture. Every choice, every action, every decision was put under the microscope and broken apart. The conclusion was that I could not be trusted. My judgement, my knowledge, my view could not be trusted. I needed to attach myself to someone simple, predictable and trustworthy. I needed to simplify everything, to stop the course that was plainly leading me to an existence of perpetual sorrow.

So I found someone. And I thought "plain, simple, unencumbered... someone who would recognize the good side of a fight". And letting go seemed easy at first, and the sense of routine comfort and security lulled me into a trance. And this is how years went by, one after another, burying the old ways and the old thoughts and everything that tripped me up in the past.

Then I fought my way back, because it was never about what I did, it was about how I couldn't stop blaming myself for everything bad that happened. This part of the story has been already spoken of in depth...

But now? What's ahead? What's my side in the war? Where will I be in a final stand against the world?

I'm on our side. I know we'll be on the same side. Our side is my side. Everyone is free to follow or not, but I will fight for us.