Epiphany

 I've been trying to find the reason, and make sense of everything that happened and why it happened the way it happened.

We've been talking about starting an anti-cult cult, a deprogramming program, a sort of anarchristianity. If there is anything I can leave behind in this world that speaks for me and of me and everything I held most important in life, I hope it can be the message that embracing our individuality is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Because I think I have finally found the seed of everything that had to happen for me to find my way back to my soulmate. I needed to accept myself. I needed to find my way back to myself, which would in turn lead me back to him. I had to go away and behold, longingly, how he stayed true to himself and embraced his authenticity with a fierceness and a bravery I couldn't even fathom for myself. I understand now, how I raged at the world for not allowing me to be myself, but I was doing it to myself. I was suffocating and repressing myself and in that state I detonated and destroyed everything around me in a dark tantrum. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to feel accepted. Who can blame me for thinking I wasn't? Truth was there was such a wide chasm between who I was and who I was expected to be that I mangled and tortured that reality and forced her to adapt, to conform, to follow, to mold.

I almost succeeded in killing her.

But then it shouldn't come as a surprise that when that became too much, when it became unsustainable, when I finally realized I was on my way to being dead way before I even hit the ground, I made the decision to save myself. To heal myself. To make myself whole again. And it's no surprise that that's exactly when life brought him back to me, put him right there in my path, also beaten up and weather worn, but still mine despite all the years and in-betweens.

And you can't tell me that it's not right. Not anymore. You can never convince me that this isn't what is mine, this is part of who I am, and this kind of love is what I deserve. And if I am to detonate again I hope it is so I can explode in love and build as much as I destroyed in my bleakest era. If I am still here there's still hope.