Nice

 I'm fortunate to have a good therapist.

I'm lucky to have survived long enough to come into this age of mental health care being the norm. Where no one can or will ever tell me again that I am imitating my "shrink". I am thankful for her presence in my life and what it has meant these past few years.

She knows the whole story. She knows more than most of the people who currently think they know me best. She knows about the one that got left behind. "I used to test as an INFP until my early twenties, then I changed. I became cold and cynical to protect myself and have tested INTP ever since."

"Do you wish you could get her back?" she'd ask in earnest. "The one who got left back then, the idealist, the soft you?"

And I'd respond in earnest, "No, I don't think I could even if I wanted to."

She'd want to know why.

"Because she didn't make it to adulthood," I said, "this person did."

I couldn't fathom the thought of the wide-eyed, trusting, idealistic, nurturing, bell-laugh me, attempting to navigate a world where everyone wants to carve a piece of her for their purposes. I thought she would surely die or go irredeemably crazy. She'd be all alone against the world, waiting for the ax to drop...

Now, though, it's a different story. I realize I needed to heal from a place of love, and part of that love is accepting myself with all my kinks and quirks and messy bits. 

I did a psych test on tiktok where they asked you to describe your favorite color, and that ended up being your view of your personality at this time. I said blue... is above as it is below, it is balance, it is all-encompassing, it is soft and strong at the same time, and it's everywhere you look.