Atonement

 We all knew...

Something happened recently. Something that has nothing to do with me. Something that dropped on the center of two lives and caused ripples that haven't reached their limit. I am probably somewhere on the outer banks of the pond where this crashed, but still the air moved around me in a way it never had before.

And it begs so many questions. It demands attention from everyone whose mind has curled at the news.

Because we knew.

And at times like this it becomes sobering, it becomes real. We realize that we seem to think we know what we have to do, we are righteous, we are people of action, we stand for no evil. But in reality we often don't even know how to acknowledge its presence. And shit makes me scared.

I'm afraid

And not of the shit out there, I'm not afraid of what might come to me from beyond my watchtower

I'm afraid of what might still be inside of me.

I don't want to learn to trust myself too much, I don't want to grow complacent in my evolution as a human being. I want to keep holding myself to the standards of the way of peace, happiness and fulfillment that I want for myself and those around me. I don't ever want to hurt anyone again. But I have to wonder if there's not still an evil in me that won't change. I can't torture myself with such thoughts, but I can't completely let go of them either. They have to be a fixture in my house, not a decoration I can store away and lose sight of.

Complacency is such a heady poison... it acts like a drug until it kills. And evil is a rabid dog inside our minds that takes many names in the real world. When we learn to name it we tie it to a chain, and when we learn how to control it we shorten its lead. But it never truly dies, and because of this it requires our attention from time to time. At least to acknowledge that it's still there and at once it had roamed free and wreaked havoc and if we don't mind it from time to time it could break its bonds, corroded by or own hubris.

I've learned to love and accept myself for the tragic mix of kindness and evil in  me, as everyone should. But this is a reminder... that I can't and shouldn't lose sight of the lead and the dog stalking from the shadows of my mind...

I know.