But what do you REALLY want?

I've bit my tongue way too often while keeping this blog over the years... bitten.

And anyway, I've often wondered what kind of things I would say if I ever just decided I'd had my fill of it and I wanted people to know me for who I really am. What would I say if I could really just say whatever I want?

At this point, what do I really have to lose? Nobody reads this damn blog anyway.

I'd like everyone to know I've made mistakes. Not "oops, I tripped and fell" mistakes, BIG mistakes. The kind those huge novelty erasers were made for. And for the longest time I wondered how my life would have been different if I hadn't basically alienated a sizeable chunk of the people who once trusted me and whose trust I betrayed. Because at one point I was surrounded by some REALLY GD kickass people. I met more, even cooler people later, which is just... a freak act of unconditional love from the spirit... whose friendship I care for and covet and treasure and hold dearest of all the things I possess in this world. I wouldn't allow myself to trip over the same rock twice, although in this case it was more like tripping off the side of a cliff.

I've entertained the notion of paying dues over the course of the last few decades, but now that I really give myself pause and roll the marbles in my head a bit... I realize it's bull. I just needed excuses to stay put and not expect much of myself. But at some juncture in your life you have to realize that whatever it is you're meant to do is going to take sacrifice and possibly a healthy dose of pride swallowing and humiliation. What I plan requires that I put myself out there, and to be honest, being SO INTP makes me scared of just how much I'm gonna possibly screw up. And I mean, it's one thing to screw up in the confort of your own home, with none but your nearest and dearest to witness and judge, but another thing entirely to expose your existencial armpit and ask of the world "does this stink real bad?"

But what do you REALLY think?

Everything lately has been telling me to just say what I think. 

It's rather seductive to think of a life of no restrictions, where you could just say whatever you want.

God, this sounds lame already. Of course nobody can say exactly what's on their mind all the time. We have to make allowances and considerations for others because we are meant to interact and keep relationships with some of these individuals we come in contact with every day... but still, whithin reason, as long as we're not hurting anyone, it should be a desirable personal trait to be able to convey one's thoughts effectively, no?

For instance, what's going through my noggin' right now is that I am no longer enjoying my current job. I have been working at this one place for as long... nay, longer even, than I've kept this blog. And this place has been through hell and high water, and I've navigated these perilous courses with them. For a while I was so into what they were doing and where they were going, and even though I stumbled and tripped and did a horrible job of keeping up with all my paperwork many, many, maaany times... I've still been a pretty damn good teacher. I've fulfilled my duties as an educator and turned out some pretty nice, level-headed, independent thinkers along the way. A couple of heavy-duty readers. Even a couple of lit majors. I've done my part, I've paid my dues if there ever even were any dues to be paid... but I do not like the current direction the place is taking. I no longer feel strapped into the contraption safely. I think the air bags are faulty in this thing and I do feel a crash coming on.

Or maybe that's not it... maybe I'm just ready for something new. Maybe I'm just sick of digging up change from between the couch cushions to buy my kids lunch. Maybe I'm just tired of running up my tab at the cafeteria and not even paying tuition for the kids but still feeling like I'm never done paying for shit either. Maybe I'm starting to wonder if I'm not getting short changed, if I'm not being kept from realizing how stupidly awesome I am so I won't march out. Maybe I'm curious as to why everything is evolved and everything has gone up thanks to inflation but my salary hasn't seen an adjustment in more than five years. Maybe I'm wondering if I haven't tricked myself into believing this is the best I can do, this is as good as it gets... Maybe I'm scared that my kids will one day wonder why I didn't try for more, maybe I'm scared they'll see that I kept the same position at the same job for over 15 years and wonder if that's all they should aspire to achieve.

Maybe it's just this damn cold has got me down... but maybe, just maybe, I should listen to myself for once.