But what do you REALLY want?

I've bit my tongue way too often while keeping this blog over the years... bitten.

And anyway, I've often wondered what kind of things I would say if I ever just decided I'd had my fill of it and I wanted people to know me for who I really am. What would I say if I could really just say whatever I want?

At this point, what do I really have to lose? Nobody reads this damn blog anyway.

I'd like everyone to know I've made mistakes. Not "oops, I tripped and fell" mistakes, BIG mistakes. The kind those huge novelty erasers were made for. And for the longest time I wondered how my life would have been different if I hadn't basically alienated a sizeable chunk of the people who once trusted me and whose trust I betrayed. Because at one point I was surrounded by some REALLY GD kickass people. I met more, even cooler people later, which is just... a freak act of unconditional love from the spirit... whose friendship I care for and covet and treasure and hold dearest of all the things I possess in this world. I wouldn't allow myself to trip over the same rock twice, although in this case it was more like tripping off the side of a cliff.

I've entertained the notion of paying dues over the course of the last few decades, but now that I really give myself pause and roll the marbles in my head a bit... I realize it's bull. I just needed excuses to stay put and not expect much of myself. But at some juncture in your life you have to realize that whatever it is you're meant to do is going to take sacrifice and possibly a healthy dose of pride swallowing and humiliation. What I plan requires that I put myself out there, and to be honest, being SO INTP makes me scared of just how much I'm gonna possibly screw up. And I mean, it's one thing to screw up in the confort of your own home, with none but your nearest and dearest to witness and judge, but another thing entirely to expose your existencial armpit and ask of the world "does this stink real bad?"