Extreme Flow of Consciousness

Well, here I am, a couple of days into NaNoWriMo (or is it a week already? Damn…) and I’ve effectively put on a couple thou more words into the novel, although it’s still packing a pretty slim punch at 29,000+ words. I think I’ve only written about… 3000-ish more since I started? I don’t know, it’s not going as well as it could be, but for now I just need to keep reminding myself it needs to be finished, not perfect.

I’m attempting to train myself to lucid dream, as you may remember if you’re now a follower of my dribble, and while I still haven’t managed to make myself do a reality check in a dream, I think I am becoming a little more aware of what I dream when I wake up each morning. Last night I had some pretty damn boring dreams, but I realize that I had a couple of chances to reality check because they were all taking place in realistic settings. One was in a movie theater, another was… crap, I forgot.

I just read an article on becoming a cynical adult that really shook my nook down to the core of my existential apparatus. Imagine this, mentioning Stockholm syndrome twice in a day on twitter, then running into an article on the Stockholm syndrome of the mind… which is basically “oh, you criticize yourself too much? You’ve basically become your own slave, you’ll never get anything done because you’re relying on your inner critic beating you to shit before you get anything done, then justifying it by saying you dodged a critical hit from the cosmos because the thing was gonna suck anyway. Good job, Bertha.” AAAAHHHH!!! This is JUST the thing I needed to NOT NEED right now, or ever. So… so… just do the thing and tell yourself you need a multitude of interpretations before you can be sure it’s no good? Until then just keep telling yourself you CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW IF IT’S ANY GOOD? Who has the time or mental stamina for that kind of uncertainty??!?

I guess I do, or I need to…

I think I’m going blind.

No, see, I’ve had these floaters coasting in my right cornea (I guess?) for about what? 5-6 months now? And I’d made TWO appointments to go and get it checked out but I had to cancel both times because we didn’t have a car (got read ended two months ago, second bout of whiplash for me which left me with chronic pains), then I sort of parted ways with the money I’d set aside to get it checked, so now I’m just kinda… dealing with it? one of the floaters is pretty big, I’m gonna have to give it a name. Anyway that’s just another incentive for me to finish the book, I might go blind unless I get this treated el oh el.

I desire the pleasure of knowing I’ve made at least one of my dreams come true.

Because, see, dreams are not the same as plans. Getting married, having kids, working, owning a home, those are things you plan for, not dreams. Dreams involve an element of the unexpected, magic, luck, a dream is a coin spinning in the air, it can land either way. You expect a dream to turn out a certain way, but the outcome depends on so many things you just kinda have to give it up to the higher power. Setting the fulfillment of a dream in motion is an act of faith in so many ways. It’s like another thing that article may or may not have said (it’s open to interpretation) you have to trust yourself to create the real you, your own moral compass and your own sense of self. This is something I struggle with enormously.

As you may or may not remember, I am a teacher.

I am a teacher and I have been for almost twenty years. The role of an educator is such that you have to model propriety and values in all areas of your life. To a certain extent the role of educator is burdensome to the creative flow, to the chiseling of a proudly effervescent individual who revels in the nuances of human nature. We are expected to model the proper way to function in society, and while this very much SAVED me at first (from latent addictions mainly), it has become a prison to my natural exuberance in more ways than one. I might die in this prison. And none would be the wiser. I must act.

Luke… I’m gonna call my floater Luke.