I'm not ok

 Perhaps the one thing many have been waiting for me to admit.

But I actually mean I'm not doing well. I have been better for a while now. Time served, dues paid, karma done grabbed me by my ankles and shook all the loose change out my pockets. I have gained awareness and hindsight is 20/20. Eagle eyes toward the past, but a blurry mess of a present and a dark corridor for a future.

This is what you get for all those breakthroughs during therapy. Stop merely surviving and suddenly you have all these emotional files to sort through and no idea how to do it. There has never been a method to my madness, and these are all getting sorted under Him. Which is probably terribly unfair of me, but what if that's all I can make it come down to?

I made promises, I have kept them. But was it even fair of me to imagine I could just turn a key on my feelings and they would just stay there? It's the damn bologna sandwich all over again. It stank up the whole damn place and now it demands to be addressed. So now I have to decide if my entire emotional space is gonna be occupied by lye and pine cone air fresheners, or if I'm actually gonna have to get a scrub daddy and some pink stuff and go to town on this MFer.

Unfinished business... what to make of it? I hate this.